Do the holidays make you feel spaced out or scattered?

My personal space …

I am on the National Calendar Days email subscription list. I receive an email every day that has unique info that I find just for fun. Sometimes there is something that really sparks a thought and really gets me to reflect, or feel emotion. Today’s notification came yesterday, and there were a few that I am familiar with. One in particular was National Personal Space Day.

National Personal Space Day, started last year and set for November 30th, is meant to promote awareness of our sensitivities, especially for those who could use some healing and self-protection, and also to help us understand the boundaries of others more clearly. This day encourages the thought of “I need a little space today.” This idea was created before COVID-19, but in this current climate it’s even more fitting, as in most cases we have forgone the handshake or hug and will offer a smile or other ways to show you care without infringing on someone’s personal space.

Everyone has a story to tell of a time in their lives when they suffered from well-intentioned but unwelcome touch or closeness. This can be the case whether they are healing or are challenged within a crowded work environment, are grieving, receiving chemotherapy, or simply needing more space to help protect them from harmful bacteria, viruses or other sensitivities. 

This resonated with me on the grief spectrum. We are grieving our old lives, the days without COVID. And in my case, my life pre-Jim. Although I have an amazing life with Jim ... there was another time in my life … that I still grieve.

I consider myself a very generous person, whether it be with my time, my gifts or giving in general. I typically meet no strangers, make a “friend” wherever I go, and I have the desire to spread holiday cheer. (Hopefully you can enjoy as many moments and experiences as possible!) But sometimes December can be a very difficult time. In many cases this worldwide pandemic is restricting Christmas-related activities about which in past years we may not have given second thoughts, but holiday hardships were around for some people long before COVID-19.

For me it started eight years ago, on the day which Great Britain and Canada call Boxing Day. My first husband of 24 years, Brian, completed his last inning on this earth, after his six-year battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) ended on December 26th, 2012. That Christmas still sticks out in my mind and leads me to take a pause, and reflect on what is important every day, and especially this time of year. 

Home has been my focus for the past few years, specifically making my house feel like home. With loss, you can become lost in a sea of emotions that the holidays exuberate, and it can lead to a whirlwind of emotions that can take you down a rabbit hole, if you let it. I know that sense of feeling lost, almost directionless as if my compass was spinning with no way of knowing where my true north was. 

Over the years I have slowly made my way to what I feel is my holiday season. It’s how I want to choose to celebrate this season, the darkest of the year, learning reflect and accept how I want to feel, and flourish from it. This is not a map for everyone, but it was what has worked for me, in finding joy in the spirit of giving and receiving during this holiday season. I feel that we all are grieving for what we have had in the past and long for finding that solace during this holiday time. So how can I embrace this time of year and have the feelings I want to have?  Here are some ideas that I found to be helpful.

I first acknowledged that the holidays will be different. They just are. It is always going to be different. If you are grieving the loss of a person, make a donation to a charity that resonates with you. Or if you are feeling really ambitious, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. This can often be done through a church, Salvation Army or Goodwill. Less is more … so they say … so if you have been having a hard time parting with your loved one’s things, or just want to purge things from your space, use the holidays as an opportunity to donate some items to a homeless shelter or other charity.

Journal when you are having an especially hard day. I find a gratitude practice to be very reassuring. Sometimes just writing about how you feel could allow you to sit with it. Just putting it on paper for me really resonates. Write it down, maybe share it ... someone might need your encouragement.  I feel there is always something to be grateful for ... always. 

Don’t feel guilty about skipping events if you’re experiencing holiday overload. For me, I have kept it small with mostly family, and a few friends spread out without over-committing. I do what feels nourishing for me. 

I enjoy pulling out old photo albums and spend some time looking at photos, or home videos. Some may find this hard, I find it a nice way to acknowledge that I had this life, and those experiences with the joy they brought to my life.

Just a word …

You can choose to skip or minimize gift giving. Material things can seem less meaningful and the in-person shopping right now for some of us is non-existent. Decide if you want to exchange gifts. Last year Jim and I made cards for each of our family members and invited them to have dinner at a later date, with the added intention of making a hand stamped memento. That didn’t go as planned because of COVID, but we were able to do some with the ones who wanted to gather. I always enjoy seeing their faces after they find their words and hand-stamp their pieces. Their faces light up, and so does mine. 

Don’t feel guilty if you skip or minimize the decorations! Jim and I decided to do an Advent Calendar this year. It gives us something different to look forward to each day leading up to Christmas. 

Make a list! Grief makes it harder for us to concentrate and remember things.  When you have a lot going on at the holidays, make a list even if you aren’t usually a list-maker, and write things on the calendar.

Skip it.  Really.  If you just can’t face the holiday it is okay to take a break this year. Before going to this extreme, how about simplifying? If you do skip, still make a plan.  Decide if you will still see friends or family, go see a new movie, or in our case this year, download a movie and a make a bowl of popcorn for just two.

Enjoy yourself! The holidays will be tough, but there can also be love and joy. Remember, it is okay to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person or the season that isn’t there or what it once was this holiday season. Don’t feel guilty for the joy you do find; spend this holiday season however you choose.

Begin with you and your personal space. The healing starts there. 

This is the 8th year, and 8 is the number of completion. Maybe now, as I have my personal space in order, I will be able to enjoy the holidays with the reflection of the amazing life I have lived and continue to live with joy, and the new-found peace that I have.

May you have a wonderful healing season.